For most of us, life is a bit more complicated than Louis C.K. asserts, but I think he makes a very valid point. How many times in my life have I been worried about what I was doing or who I was supposed to be at the expense of true self-discovery? How many times have I defined my own self-worth through the narrow lens of my career? Most of us, from time to time, get swept up in the business of living, attempting to shape our life stories without considering the larger picture, and sometimes this can lead us down paths that we don't find fulfilling.
However, at some point, we all must figure out something so we can, if not "lock the door," at least "eat the food."
Before I go any further, let me add a little disclaimer. I've been very fortunate my entire adult life to be gainfully employed doing what I love. Even when I lost my job five years ago, I had an immediate backup plan in graduate school. When I was a grad student, I had plenty of work and could support myself easily. I am really lucky and am well aware of it. There are millions of people who either can't work, can't find work, or don't make a living wage. For millions, work is not a dignified endeavor, so I am grateful to be able to consider this question of work with some distance and from a position of relative comfort.
In the past two years I have undergone a seismic shift in my thinking about work. I used to be concerned about where I was going in my career. Each job was a gateway to the next. I figured teaching middle and high school band was a step along a road that would eventually lead to graduate school. From there I would either teach at the collegiate level or go into the professional world, starting as an assistant conductor, and eventually become the music director of a regional orchestra. It was part of a logical and consistent progression which began almost twenty years ago in high school.
However, soon after entering grad school, I realized that in order to achieve a really high level of music making as a conductor - both in academia and in the professional world - not only do you need to be a good musician, you also need to be very entrepreneurial. This includes a good deal of self-promotion with websites, social media, videos, a great resume, and management. It also means attending conferences and workshops, networking and making connections. You have to have a thick skin, absorb a good deal of abuse, and endure much failure. You have to be patient, flexible, motivated, and willing to do whatever it takes to be successful. It also helps to win a few competitions along the way and know the right people. And all of this doesn't guarantee success.
Conducting is a tough business and I eventually came to an impasse when I realized that, in spite of my love of music, teaching, and working with other musicians, I hate everything else about the business. A lot. And I'm bad at it. It turns out I've never really been interested in the business side of the music business, which makes it difficult to get foot on the ladder. I've always shied away from self-promotion. I make the worst videos (ever) and still haven't gotten around to making a website. I know, if I worked hard and really wanted to swim in the waters, I could be successful as a professional conductor, but after wading in for a couple of years, I realized that much of the profession doesn't really resonate with me.
In light of this discovery, I began to consider what I should "do" or what I should "be" and to "over think this life shit" for about two years.
Earlier this month I was sitting in a pew at Saints Peter and Paul in Naperville, Illinois on the feast of St. Joseph the Worker, which symbolically falls on "May Day" or "International Workers' Day." As I sat at listening to the homily during the 6:45 AM Mass with the sun brilliantly streaming through the East facing windows behind the altar, the priest spoke about the relationship with work as our physical "cooperation with God" in our daily lives. We are all given gifts, talents, and certain dispositions by God that guide us in finding meaningful, dignified work. Or as the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, "in work, the person exercises and fulfills in part the potential inscribed in his nature." Through self-knowledge and true discernment, each of us has the ability to find work that not only brings us joy, but can also be of help those around us. Some of us are blessed with this knowledge or stumble into our calling right away, but for others it is a journey that lasts a lifetime.
What I finally realized this year, after much soul-searching, is that I stumbled into my calling thirteen years ago when I first set foot in a high school band room as a student teacher, but I must not have been ready to accept it at the time. I've accumulated boxes of evidence to support my impact on the lives of hundreds of students over the years, but it wasn't until this Spring that I stopped to really listen to my heart. I discovered, while it is very gratifying to stand on the podium conducting Shostakovich or Beethoven, for me true joy is connecting with students through music and having a lasting, positive impact on their lives.
Teachers give a lot to their students, but students also have a considerable influence on their teachers. I am grateful to my current students and the many students who have kept in touch with me over the years (including one who recently wrote me and said, "I can tell you [teaching] is what you are supposed to do"), and I am happy to say that I'm finally getting the message. When I listen to my heart, truly have the courage to be myself, and not worry about how others might perceive my career, I can honestly say that I am ready to give myself over to teaching in a much different way now. It is a natural outgrowth of who I am as a human being and speaks deeply to my soul.
In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die. The reason for this is that I am born in selfishness and therefore any natural efforts to make myself more real and more myself, make me me less real and less myself because they revolve around a lie. - Thomas Merton
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