It's Not For Me

Last semester I took a leave of absence from the University of Illinois. Up to that point, I had been in graduate school since the Fall of 2010 working toward a master's degree and then a doctorate in orchestral conducting. It was a logical course of action given my background in music education, and I was looking forward to a career in academia as a college professor upon completion of my degree.

However, since arriving in Illinois to begin my graduate studies, my life has changed dramatically. In the Fall of 2013 I went through a divorce and followed this up with a move to Springfield at the end of the academic year. My leave of absence, due to a lack of university funding last Fall and subsequent shift of attention to a job with a youth orchestra program in Springfield, gave me the chance to step away from the DMA program and reevaluate my life and career goals. The end result of this process is that I've decided to discontinue my graduate studies and leave the University of Illinois at the end of this academic year. 

I've talked to a lot of people about this including friends both in and out of academia, family members, counselors, and even my cat. The conclusion to which I've arrived came out of years of thorough reflection, discussion, and prayer. I have pages of pros and cons for each side, but in the end it comes down to what makes sense for me. 

In light of everything, I realize that life is all about finding consonance (to borrow a musical term). After stepping away from my project, the stress of the academic environment, qualifying exams, and an uncertain future in an increasingly difficult job market, I've realized that there is very little consonance for me in academia. To me the costs far outweigh the benefits, and I feel that I will be setting myself up for a life of anxiety, bouts of depression, and the possibility of not even finding a job (or at least a job that I enjoy), after putting myself through the stress of getting a degree that I honestly don't even want in the first place.

This decision is the first step in the process of completely rethinking my life. It is quite honestly the most terrifying thing that I've ever done, but it somehow feels comfortable knowing that the future is no longer focused so narrowly on a destination that is so unappealing to me. I look forward to what lies ahead!