Sorry to be a Downer

This post is very personal and was difficult to write. It's about my struggle with depression and my attempt to make some sense of it. It is not a cry for help or an intervention. It is just some thoughts I've had in the past month and a half.

For most of my life I've struggled with depression. It's not something that I like to talk about because nobody wants to hang out with someone who is a "downer." I have difficulty making friends without the added burden of my psychological baggage and nobody wants to read Facebook posts like, "made it off the couch today" or "finally out of my pajamas at 3 PM... on a Tuesday." As a result, I find it easier to just pretend that I'm happy, productive, and making steady progress towards my next major "life goal." Then I post pictures of me standing in front of something fun on Facebook and nobody has to know how I really feel.

Two years ago I went through a separation followed by a divorce. Between this and the unrelenting stress of graduate school and work, I finally went to a counselor and then to a doctor and was diagnosed with major depression. I have been on and off medication since that time and have been constantly working to manage my depression. I go to support groups. I exercise. I try to regulate my diet. It's like living in a house in the woods surrounded by a forest fire. I can keep the fire from burning the house down, but it's always there, ready to overwhelm me at any time.

It's not easy waking up some days or making myself take the first steps out the door. There is a constant weight pulling me downward. I feel cutoff from other people and trapped inside of myself. I feel withdrawn and it takes a great deal of effort to "have fun" or "interact" with others. Relaxing means shutting myself in my apartment, locking the door, and falling asleep so I don't have to feel anything. I desperately want to connect with other people, but it is impossible because I can't even take the first step. I'm an introvert to begin with and depression makes it nearly impossible to break out of the bubble in which I live.

At times, it feels like I've lost ambition in my life. Phrases like, "I'm looking forward to..." or "I can't wait to..." or "I'm content" don't resonate with me. I used to be a planner with lofty career and life goals but now, many days, it feels like I spend all of my energy marking time on a long slow march towards an uncertain future. I'm full of anxiety and I don't really enjoy much of anything. Food doesn't taste good when I'm depressed. A warm, sunny day is about the same to me as a cold, dreary day. Alcohol and caffeine barely move the needle in either direction from the numbness I feel. Going to church and praying means nothing. It's just a silent, empty vacuum, with no sense of being filled up from within.

This is probably a good time to add a disclaimer. I am not suicidal, so don't worry about that. Of course I would love for the depression to end, but I want to find meaningful solutions that will better my life and the lives of those around me. I do manage to get my head above water enough to feel that "maybe everything isn't hopeless bullshit" and so I am able to keep this in perspective.

I have felt all of this very acutely since the beginning of the year and I have frequently wondered why. Why now? What I realize is that I've finally reached a point in my life where I have stopped running away and I am turning to face my depression. This year, instead of distracting or medicating myself, I am looking my depression squarely in the face and attempting to understand its triggers and roots in order to manage it more effectively. It's not easy, and sometimes it feels like I am turning into the mouth of a roaring blizzard. I know that some of its causes are biological - literally the chemical makeup of my brain - but I also know that there are a number of other factors. It has most certainly led to a rethinking of virtually every aspect of my life.

It's a long, tedious, and difficult process but it is one that I hope will bring about real change. Sometimes it feels like I've hit bottom, while other times I feel like I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I used to think that I would eventually hit bottom, bounce back, and life would get better from there. However, I've found that bottoming out is actually a process - a place that a person inhabits for a period of time. I think anyone recovering from anything, knows this. Life isn't some kind of movie where there is a clear, linear progression out of the depths of misery and suffering. Life is chaotic and messy and the road isn't straight or narrow - or maybe it is, but my car doesn't stay on the road.

Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote in her book, Prozac Nation, "That is all I want in life; for this pain to seem purposeful." Depression is not logical. It is not a result of something a person does. It's not like I ate too much pizza before bed and woke up with a case of depression. There is no rhyme or reason. It just is. Barbara Kingsolver says, "there is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'there now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold - with patience it passes. Depression is like cancer."

Beginning to understand what depression is and what it isn't has been very helpful for me. I know that I can't continue to live an unmanageable life and expect to be okay. I need to be aware of my own physical and mental health, take plenty of time for self-care, seek out healthy, meaningful relationships, and engage in activities that make me happy each day. Depression affects and manifests itself uniquely in each individual. By reading other people's stories and talking to others, I've begun to see how my experience is similar to theirs but also unique to my own life circumstances. This, my friends, gives me a sense of hope.

I will conclude with this quote:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

It's Not For Me

Last semester I took a leave of absence from the University of Illinois. Up to that point, I had been in graduate school since the Fall of 2010 working toward a master's degree and then a doctorate in orchestral conducting. It was a logical course of action given my background in music education, and I was looking forward to a career in academia as a college professor upon completion of my degree.

However, since arriving in Illinois to begin my graduate studies, my life has changed dramatically. In the Fall of 2013 I went through a divorce and followed this up with a move to Springfield at the end of the academic year. My leave of absence, due to a lack of university funding last Fall and subsequent shift of attention to a job with a youth orchestra program in Springfield, gave me the chance to step away from the DMA program and reevaluate my life and career goals. The end result of this process is that I've decided to discontinue my graduate studies and leave the University of Illinois at the end of this academic year. 

I've talked to a lot of people about this including friends both in and out of academia, family members, counselors, and even my cat. The conclusion to which I've arrived came out of years of thorough reflection, discussion, and prayer. I have pages of pros and cons for each side, but in the end it comes down to what makes sense for me. 

In light of everything, I realize that life is all about finding consonance (to borrow a musical term). After stepping away from my project, the stress of the academic environment, qualifying exams, and an uncertain future in an increasingly difficult job market, I've realized that there is very little consonance for me in academia. To me the costs far outweigh the benefits, and I feel that I will be setting myself up for a life of anxiety, bouts of depression, and the possibility of not even finding a job (or at least a job that I enjoy), after putting myself through the stress of getting a degree that I honestly don't even want in the first place.

This decision is the first step in the process of completely rethinking my life. It is quite honestly the most terrifying thing that I've ever done, but it somehow feels comfortable knowing that the future is no longer focused so narrowly on a destination that is so unappealing to me. I look forward to what lies ahead!