It's almost the end of June and I wonder where the summer is going. Yesterday the KIDS from Wisconsin gave a very successful premiere performance at West Allis Central High School after a grueling, intensive seventeen-day training camp. I am once again working the summer as tour and stage band director with this talented bunch, an experience that has not been without its fair share of doubts - mostly regarding my ability to stay positive and provide a memorable experience for the 33 young performers in my care.
This summer comes on the heels of a very stressful month of May, so in order to provide context, let me give you a brief snapshot of my current state of affairs. I moved out of my apartment in Springfield at the end of May and into my summer residence in the Tommy Thompson Youth Dorm at the Wisconsin State Fair Park (this is my permanent mailing address since I don't currently have another home). In the two weeks prior to the start of my summer contract with KIDS, I spent time sleeping on friends' couches in the Twin Cities. I will spend the remainder of the summer making my way around the state with the KIDS performing in a variety of cities and towns and thus I have very little in the way of established routine. For an introvert who deals with anxiety issues and occasional bouts of depression this is, at times, a very unnerving experience. In addition there is much to do to prepare for my new life in Eau Claire. When I begin to think of all the pieces that need to fall into place by the end of August, I start to panic a little bit. I also, once again, question my sanity as I enter the latter half of my thirties, hanging out all summer with a group of high energy teenagers, doing everything from pulling late night hall supervision shifts to directing over sixty performances in three months.
Am I insane?
Whether it's concerns in my daily life, anxiety over the uncertainty of the future, or even more global worries like the racism-fueled murders at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston or Wisconsin's fucked up state government that seems hell-bent on destroying public education (why am I moving back here again?), I tend to get worked up about anything and everything, and it affects my outlook on life. I feel hopeless, helpless, and paralyzed by the state of the world sometimes - too often actually. I can't even find solace at church anymore because I don't appreciate how unwelcoming and marginalizing it feels at times. So many of the institutions in our culture would do well to be more accepting of the unbelievable diversity of the awesome creation of a God that is too amazing and mysterious to even begin to comprehend. When did we become so certain of everything that we lost our sense of wonder? Why are we so afraid of people who are not like us? How is it okay to value one life over another, or as the great songwriter Greg Brown says, "why does the color of your skin or who you choose to love still lead to so much anger and shame?"
See, it's happening as I write this. I'm getting worked up.
Last week, in search of some guidance, I was looking at a daily bible reading in my dorm room between rehearsals and one sentence jumped off the page, providing me exactly what I needed to hear in the face of all my worries. In beautiful, simple passage Jesus reminds us, "Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself" (Mt 6:34). This line gave me pause. It is difficult to not worry, since that is what I am (and probably many of us are) hard-wired to do. However, ultimately I can only control my actions and reactions to the surrounding environment in this moment. When I think about it, my entire life, my existence, was made for the moment that I am currently experiencing, and when it's gone, it's gone. I don't actually have anything outside of this moment, right now, and I can no sooner control what is going to happen when I leave this computer than I can stop racism in America or make the Catholic Church more accepting to gay people, but I can control what I do right now.
So my goal for the summer is this: to live in the moment and keep an eye on the road, but not stare too far off into the distance that I miss all of the beautiful glimpses of heaven that are present directly in front of me. There are plenty of reasons to have hope in life if I bother to look for them. It can be difficult to feel as though I make a difference or have any real impact, especially in the face of seemingly intractable problems and institutions, but I like to think that I can and do offer something of value to this world. Leonard Bernstein once said, in the wake of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, "this will be our reply to violence: to make music more intensely, more beautifully, more devotedly than ever before." When I think of this quote, it helps me understand that I do have the ability to make a small difference in the lives of those around me if I can live my life more genuinely, more intensely, and be more present. If I can keep this in mind at all times, it will significantly increase my happiness and my ability to be of service to others.
Let's face it, I will never change the world or hold a position of great power and influence and there are limitations to what I am able to do in this life. Parker Palmer puts this very plainly when he says, "Despite the American myth, I cannot be or do whatever I desire...Our created natures make us like organisms in an ecosystem: there are some roles and relationships in which we thrive and others in which we wither and die." By recognizing my limitations I am free to embrace my true self and become who I was meant to be, rather than struggling to attain something that will not ultimately sustain me. If I have the courage to pull back the curtain of my ego, listen to my deepest self, and take some risks along the way, I will discover an entire universe in each miraculous moment of my life.
i thank you God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today
and this is the sun's birthday, this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings; and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears are awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
E.E. Cummings
