In January, when the tides of depression were pulling me under, I began to skip daily Mass. I would still go two or three times per week, but I had a chip on my shoulder the entire time I was there. Eventually it dwindled to simply attending on Sunday. I felt disengaged and wondered why I was even there.
Those of you that know me, also know that I am a pretty hot and cold person. I tend to go from zero to one hundred percent in a somewhat manic way in practically every aspect of my life. Here are three examples:
1. I love music. I hate music.
2. I love living in Illinois. I hate living in Illinois.
3. I love being a teacher and I am good at it. I am the worst teacher ever and I hate kids.
You get the point.
My life is a pendulum, swinging back and forth between extremes. All. The. Time. It's exhausting.
Yesterday, as I was driving to Chicago, I heard something on the podcast WTF with Marc Maron that made me pause. Maron is an often acerbic, sometimes disgusting, yet genuinely brilliant comedian who interviews other comedians, comedic actors, and musicians on his twice weekly podcast. In his introduction to the show yesterday he talked about finding balance in his life:
"I think I'm understanding something... there is an outside chance that... I may be just growing the fuck up. I know it's surprising ...maybe things aren't gonna work out exactly how I want them to, maybe things don't always feel as good as you want them to, and sometimes, even when you reward yourself, or expect a reward, that may not come." He goes on to say, "if you're looking for the world, or everybody in your life to parent you, or even your job to take care of you in a way that you wanted your parents to, it's just not gonna happen." Finally he says that part of our heart eventually "withers" because "it realizes that it is not going to get what it wants, but that's okay..."
For Maron, the "growing up" to which he refers, is coming to the realization that we need to be grounded and okay with whatever life throws at us. Later he says that we need to adopt an attitude of, "It doesn't matter. I'm okay. No, I understand. I'm okay. Yeah, it's a little disappointing. I'm okay. That's horrible! But I'm okay. I can handle it. OH MY GOD! THIS IS WHATEVER IT IS! But I'm okay." In other words, we can't control what life throws at us, but we can control how we react. It's his own take on the serenity prayer, "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
(If you are still reading this you probably notice an ironic swing of the pendulum within this post. I start out with God and Church and end up with Marc Maron, who in his latest stand-up special, Thinky Pain, on Netflix says, "I don't believe in God... I'm not an atheist, or I don't call myself an atheist, because I just don't give a shit, really.")
So what does this have to do with me attending Mass? Well, quite a lot actually.
I've started going back to church daily - mostly because it's Lent - but it's different now. Whereas a month ago I started forcing myself to go, now I realize that I have to go. For me, Mass has become an important part of my daily life, like eating or brushing my teeth. I can't do without it, because of it's affect on me as a human being. When I make God the center of my life, all of the swirling chaos that surrounds me becomes like a storm on a mountain. The mountain is immovable whereas the storm is only temporary and has no lasting impact. Mass is a daily reminder of the importance of God in my life.
The growing up part, to which Maron refers, from my perspective, is trusting in God and not in myself. When I try to control everything around me and put conditions on my own happiness (I will be happy when I get a better job) I am filled with anxiety and depression strengthens it's grip on me. When I trust God and calm the fuck down (to borrow from Maron's syntax), I begin to see how God works in my life, and it fundamentally changes me to be a better, happier, calmer, more charitable and forgiving person.
Which brings me to this morning.
I went to Mass today at the Church of the Holy Spirit in Schaumberg - mostly because it offered a 9 AM Mass and that meant I could sleep in - but I'm really glad I did. I was reminded by the priest's homily this morning that each one of us has certain unique talents and gifts, that we are all beloved in the eyes of God, and that we all need to truly know ourselves and embrace our uniqueness. This was an important message for me, because I have spent the last two months, since I decided to quit my DMA program, searching for meaning in my life and comparing myself to everyone else. "What am I doing!?! I should be married with kids or working in a successful career by now. I am a failure." However, if I look at it a different way, I am truly blessed.
We are constantly reminded by Jesus that happiness is not great fortune, material gain, success, or based on our location. True happiness comes from a secure knowledge of ourselves, and for those that believe in God, a relationship of love with Him. My story is not your story, and if it weren't for the story of my life up to this point, I would not be here today, in this moment, and I would not know myself as well as I do now. I am exactly where I need to be, I am enough, and since all I really have is this moment, I need to "grow the fuck up" and remember that, whatever happens, "I'm okay."
Thanks for the reminder, Marc.
(If you are still reading this you probably notice an ironic swing of the pendulum within this post. I start out with God and Church and end up with Marc Maron, who in his latest stand-up special, Thinky Pain, on Netflix says, "I don't believe in God... I'm not an atheist, or I don't call myself an atheist, because I just don't give a shit, really.")
So what does this have to do with me attending Mass? Well, quite a lot actually.
I've started going back to church daily - mostly because it's Lent - but it's different now. Whereas a month ago I started forcing myself to go, now I realize that I have to go. For me, Mass has become an important part of my daily life, like eating or brushing my teeth. I can't do without it, because of it's affect on me as a human being. When I make God the center of my life, all of the swirling chaos that surrounds me becomes like a storm on a mountain. The mountain is immovable whereas the storm is only temporary and has no lasting impact. Mass is a daily reminder of the importance of God in my life.
The growing up part, to which Maron refers, from my perspective, is trusting in God and not in myself. When I try to control everything around me and put conditions on my own happiness (I will be happy when I get a better job) I am filled with anxiety and depression strengthens it's grip on me. When I trust God and calm the fuck down (to borrow from Maron's syntax), I begin to see how God works in my life, and it fundamentally changes me to be a better, happier, calmer, more charitable and forgiving person.
Which brings me to this morning.
I went to Mass today at the Church of the Holy Spirit in Schaumberg - mostly because it offered a 9 AM Mass and that meant I could sleep in - but I'm really glad I did. I was reminded by the priest's homily this morning that each one of us has certain unique talents and gifts, that we are all beloved in the eyes of God, and that we all need to truly know ourselves and embrace our uniqueness. This was an important message for me, because I have spent the last two months, since I decided to quit my DMA program, searching for meaning in my life and comparing myself to everyone else. "What am I doing!?! I should be married with kids or working in a successful career by now. I am a failure." However, if I look at it a different way, I am truly blessed.
We are constantly reminded by Jesus that happiness is not great fortune, material gain, success, or based on our location. True happiness comes from a secure knowledge of ourselves, and for those that believe in God, a relationship of love with Him. My story is not your story, and if it weren't for the story of my life up to this point, I would not be here today, in this moment, and I would not know myself as well as I do now. I am exactly where I need to be, I am enough, and since all I really have is this moment, I need to "grow the fuck up" and remember that, whatever happens, "I'm okay."
Thanks for the reminder, Marc.
