Deserve's Got Nothin' To Do With It

I was sitting in church yesterday, listening to the Gospel from Matthew (20:1-16A), in which Jesus tells the parable of a landowner going out to find workers for his vineyard. He goes out at dawn, at nine o'clock, noon, three o'clock, and finally five o'clock. Each time he finds idle workers who agree to come to his vineyard. At the end of the day he settles with each of the laborers and ends up paying them all the same wage. The laborers who were hired earlier in the day are miffed about getting the same wage as those who were hired last. They complain that they had been out in the heat all day, toiling, and that they deserve more money for their long hours of work. To this the landowner replies:

‘My friend, I am not cheating you. 
Did you not agree with me for the usual daily wage? 
Take what is yours and go. 
What if I wish to give this last one the same as you? 
Or am I not free to do as I wish with my own money? 
Are you envious because I am generous?’

This whole episode reminded me of this scene from Clint Eastwood's masterful 1992 Western, Unforgiven, in which the outlaw William Munny takes revenge on small town sheriff Little Bill, played by Gene Hackman, when Bill murders Munny's longtime friend and former partner in crime played by Morgan Freeman. Just as Munny is about to pull the trigger, Little Bill exclaims, "I don't deserve this. To die like this." To which Munny replies, "deserve's got nothin' to do with it." Of course, in the movie, the audience knows that Little Bill is getting what's coming to him, but that's not how he perceives it.

At first these two seemingly disparate stories - one a parable instructing us about the generosity of the Lord, and the other a movie in which the outlaw protagonist exacts frontier judgement on a no-good sheriff for the murder of his longtime friend and partner - have little to do with one another. However, I would argue that the attitude of the workers in the parable and that of Little Bill in the movie have more in common with each other than not. Unfortunately for me, it is an attitude that I far too frequently adopt in my own life: "I don't deserve this. I deserve better. I deserve more."

We all work hard in our own ways to live the life that we think we want. For instance, some of us focus on careers or family or some combination of both. In each way we set about to make something of ourselves and to have an impact on the communities in which we live and work. We desire meaningful work, connections with other people, and time indulge in hobbies, travel, or leisure activities that are fun and fulfilling. Along the way we hold on to things, people, and places that ground us and give us a sense of identity and belonging. We work hard and we deserve the fruits of our efforts.

Earlier this year I read a little book called, Where the Hell is God?, in which the author, Fr. Richard Leonard deals with this exact issue when his sister gets into a horrible car accident and is instantly paralyzed from the neck down. Up to the time of the accident his sister had been a model Christian, living a virtuous life, volunteering, and doing charitable works. Fr. Leonard asks difficult questions in this book including the very topic of "deserving" and the generosity of the Lord. If God is so generous and loving, how could he let this happen to his sister?

In the end, the Lord gives what He gives. It is up to us to accept His generosity and love and to do with His gifts what we can. Of course we can ask for mercy, insight, forgiveness, and charity, but in the end it is not up to us what He apportions. We can find God in the smallest corners of our lives, in the silence of our hearts, and in moments of great joy and beauty, but we can also find him in the midst of unspeakable tragedy and suffering. Blessed Theresa of Calcutta knew this very well as she entered the depths of poverty and human misery in her ministry to the poorest of the poor in the slums of India, even in the midst of her own spiritual darkness.

It is only when I can echo the words of Christ, "Not my will, but yours be done," and abandon myself fully to the arms of the Lord, that I allow Him to open up my life and transform me through his boundless love and generosity. Rather than looking at my life negatively and wishing that I were more successful, living in an exciting big city, traveling, making lots of money, and thinking, "I deserve more than this," I instead should be saying, "Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof." I am nowhere near feeling this every day in my own life, but I do want to try harder. 

I have more than enough to be healthy and happy. Thank you Lord for all of the gifts you pour into my life each day. Please help me to be always grateful, and to accept your love, mercy, and generosity with an open heart and mind. 

"Take, Lord, all my liberty. Receive my memory, my understanding, and my whole will. Whatever I have and possess, you have given me; to you I restore it wholly, and to your will I utterly surrender it for my direction. Give me the love of you only, with your grace, and I am rich enough; nor do I ask anything besides."

-St. Ignatius of Loyola